Brazenly Cognizant

Or has it been two weeks? I can’t remember, time slips by at one pace or another. I had a dream a few nights ago. I was in the middle of a forest, with trees something like redwoods, but thicker… huge trees! Lothlorien trees! It wasn’t fey or whimsical, it had an earthy, brown quality to it, that forest. You could tell the sun was up and shining high, filtered by the green leafy canopy above. We were riders, my clan and I, that’s how we survived in the woods. We rode horses, but there was something deer-like about them, a raptorian build to these mounts: on our daily frantic ride through the great forest to the sound of militant drums beating and hooves clopping, we would cavort suddenly up low-slung branches up into the upper regions of the trees, riding through the boughs as though the ground. Our world was ours, all inhabitants knew that we owned it, that forest. There were secret meadow pockets and roaring waterfalls and glittering brooks and moss-covered boulders. Who were we? Hunters. We hunted game, but I never experienced it, I only knew this because I was draped in rough-hewn leather and furs myself. A bear-fur cossack hat rested upon my head, a flint-lock rifle across my back. We were also mercenaries… people escaped into our woods, convicts and criminals. The regular authorities of the various nations wouldn’t trespass into our wilderness, for the very wild quality it had… but they would make deals with us in order to retrieve escaped prisoners. We were tracking someone, my clan and I, someone very clever at moving through the forest. Someone who seemed desperate to plunge deeper and deeper into the dark part of the forest that even we did not venture into…

The dream ended before the plot did, this time. Interesting milieu and imagery, eh?

Connor and I went to a party last night, we watched Edward Scissorhands, ate popcorn, and talked about cool stuff we had done around Santa Cruz until 2:00 in the morning. I liked the people a lot. Tim Burton is an interesting character. What else happened this week? We watched a lot of The Office, Connor and I, on DVD. I really appreciate their creative process… its a screenwriter’s commune, basically, with only a few key actors as the main characters; the other characters are writers themselves. They have complete freedom in creating the show, and make regular use of improvisation in the show in order to make it seem more ‘realistic’. Very cool, I’d love to incorporate the same kind of framework into a TV show. Oh, Obama became President, an historic event which will no doubt be remembered forever… but he hasn’t done anything yet that’s worth writing about. I’m so politically exhausted by this point.

I have a good idea for a TV show parody, just a short two-minute YouTube video: a guy and his roommate. Who is his roommate, though? You guessed it, a sealion. Done. A few sarcastic voice-overs, awkward treating-the-sealion-as-a-human jokes, and that’s it. Instant million views. All I need is to find a trained sea lion, get him to sit in a chair with breakfast in front of him, and his roommate coming in: "Oh, oh, I see, you couldn’t just toss another egg in the pan? Geeze, Murray, you now how rushed I am in the morning to get to work! … What did I say about drinking my orange juice!?" If I could get the sea lion to bulldoze the table and then flop out of the door, and then the human character go after him apologetically, that would be even funnier.

That’s it, I guess. That’s. All. I got.

But I won’t get to it, I don’t think. I need to start this New Year’s Resolution thing over again.

Today my Mom and my sister really wanted me to watch Twilight before it left theaters. I have an anti-Twilight bias, because I’m a guy that doesn’t like cliche mainstream trends. There’s a lot of guys like me. I really liked the movie though. Some of the actresses were pretty good-looking, and I loved the baseball scene… something oddly likable about the elements they put together on that one… rock music, slow motion, cracks of thunder, superhuman awesomery, and the strange amusing idea that this is the side of vampires you don’t see usually. Otherwise, Stephanie Meyer obviously pulled some interesting Mormon dilemmas out to spice up the vampire-human relationship. I still believe that the only thing that separates Edward from myself on the totem pole is the fact that he has an impeccable bone structure and superpowers. I’ve heard several girls hint that I should watch Twilight to figure out what the ladies are looking for… but hey, I stay out of the sun, I’m protective, gentlemanly, cordial, interesting, loyal… I like to wear sunglasses and the latest fashions. From what I’ve seen, the basic variable for attracting awesome female companionship is still attractive features, physical capability, and simple, fundamental good manners. The other way around, of course, is a degree worse, but I want what was promised to me at a young age: the transcendence of the non-physical over the physical. And I’ve no reason to complain about my own physical features… indeed, as well as any man can, I judge myself to rank highly if not at the top of the pyramid… but it still screams inequality. Are all males and females simply given numeric values of physical attractiveness at birth and expected to match one another? It really seems as if our entire courting period we are all given a number, and we compete with one another to find a match to that number. If you can get higher, great, but it always seems something like a trick: if everyone tries to find someone with a value higher than themselves, there would be no matches. In every partnership, someone either has to concede a defeat, or if they are lucky, their numerical value (of physical attractiveness) is the same. Its predestination. Its a very important process governed by unimportant elements. Hopefully, the Internet, in allowing people to express their inner being more fluently and escape their physical conditions, will allow some circumvention of this system. I envision a world where the physical is forgotten, when everyone begins the same and is given the same opportunities to learn and develop mentally… when someone is judged, it would be by the work they have done, the mind and personality they have honed, the relationships they have built. Why can someone be famous for a body that they are not altogether responsible for putting together? Why do they deserve respect and admiration, one reward after another? Its the way things are, but it shouldn’t be the way things are.

But I digress. I got a haircut today and I think it looks great. My Mom cooked some excellent Indian food for the family. We watched The Office together. Connor, my Mom and I played a game of Catan on X-Box Live.

Of more importance, I found an old friend from elementary school, Jackie Anderson, on Facebook. I was reminded of her after watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I guess I was just thinking of old childhood friends and she came up as memory #1. It looks like she has lived a good life after I left Georgia for the West. She has a large subscriber base at YouTube, in the hundreds. I am very happy for her, I’m glad that she has been so successful. I hope our encounter goes well! I called her three years ago (four years after I left in 2002) and I liked catching up, but I was displeased with myself, embarassed really about how the person I was trying to become was so distant at that point in my life. I have finally begun to approach a point where I can respect who I am, though I still have a way to go and that will probably always be at least a step away. The skinny, long-haired, pimple-ridden guy I was in high school still had a lot going for him… good grades, friends, intelligence, creativity, good morales, a great family, a wonderful home, a car, an awesome best friend of a twin brother… yes, but my potential still was not and is still not being reached. There were plenty of people that talked down to me, no matter how much confidence I could put together, no matter how witty I could be, or charismatic… and its all because of that physical factor. I would always be reaching for that respect but only just touch it, while others seemed to hold it with a casual simplicity. That’s not the Brendon Carpenter I want to create, the person I want to attach my name to. He’s a guy you can be friends with without worrying, you know, if you’ll regret it. He’s a guy everyone would feel comfortable talking with, even listening to what he says. No one makes up excuses to end a conversation with him. No one talks dispassionately in a conversation he has begun. And until I can reach that position, man, I’ll always feel uncomfortable communicating with people. There will always be something in the back of my mind that tells me: this could end badly, even after I’ve given it all the effort I can muster.

Going back to UC Santa Cruz tomorrow afternoon. I wonder what I should do differently.

Went to Church today. We have an investigator, a neighbour, Lindy, who often went to Church with friends but hasn’t been baptized. She came along with us to Church, which was fun. Connor gave an awesome talk about hot to keep the Sabbath Day holy, how to respect and understand it. He encouraged us to ‘lengthen’ the joyous feel of Church throughout Sunday. Long talk, can’t believe he prepared as much as he did. He did a very good job and I’m proud of him. At Church there was a linger-longer: I poured chili on a hot potato and ate it. Chocolate cake afterwards. Had a good time talking with people at my table, people I know in the ward, and Lindy (I hope I’m spelling her name correctly). The Prophet, Thomas S. Monson (when will we start calling him ‘Tommy Monson’? Good stage name… I wonder if its too disrespectful) addressed college-aged youth about the importance of education and staying devoted to the Gospel. I liked it a lot, very heart-warming.

When we got home, we each went to our respective homework. I’m trying to finish Neuromancer by William Gibson for International Cyberpunk. Then we watched The Green Mile with Tom Hanks.

I forgot to mention Saturday! Not too much to tell about the day, other than it was BEAUTIFUL outside… sun was shining, grass was green, not warm but gently cool, could see the ocean from a distance… Connor and I watched Pi and were amazed by its wonderful intriguing notions. I think we have reached the end of our list of movies and TV shows easily obtained from XBox Live and Hulu… I can’t wait for shows to begin again.

I’ll go to sleep now… busy day tomorrow…

Hey everybody. This is what I did today.

I got up at a reasonable hour, ate breakfast (oatmeal doused with hot hot horchata… good mix) and went to my three classes: Concepts in Politics, The Space Age Solar System, and International Cyberpunk. Returned to my room to read a bit for my classes. I’ve been working a lot of the day researching the early 1600s in order to discover what would have happened if the Gunpowder Plot of 1605 had succeeded and Guy Fawkes had blown Parliament to smithereens, including King James I. Interesting results, it turns out, but not what you’d expect. Connor and I watched Robot Chicken, then we scrounged for food (Jasmine Rice & Vegetables mixed with Thai Noodles and crackers with hummus). After that we decided to watch Being John Malkovitch. What a fascinating film. Spike Jonze… the guy invented that name, abandoning his given name. Something like that seems to me cool and yet unrespectful at the same time. Connor showed Flywrench to our neighbours.

Saturday tomorrow. Probly need to pick up some groceries but who knows what else I’ll do. I need to read Gibson’s Neuromancer by Monday… I should get crackin’ at that as soon as I finish the last 100 pages of Stirling’s Conquistador. I was supposed to call my family today but forgot to. I feel bad about that.

I ate half a bag of pretzels while watching Rain Man. Another great movie checked off my list. Hey, its the first day after going to my classes, so I’m completely without homework or responsibilities… that doesn’t mean I won’t be working extremely hard later.

The large amount of pretzels have caused this itching sensation all over my body. My whole body itches. How am I getting an allergic reaction to pretzels?! Tough cracker-like breadstuff, salt… not much there to be allergic to. This sucks.

This New Year’s Resolution really does bring the best of my work to the forefront, doesn’t it?

AHHH!!!! THERE’S A RAT IN THE ROOF! AHHH!!!!! It’s right above my bed! How am I going to sleep tonight? Its little paws are pitter-pattering against the dry-wall and it won’t stop! Why is it staying in one spot?! Are there tons of rats just parading across the dry-wall above my bed? What is this? KILL IT! Connor and I have tried all night to get on top of the roof but its impossible. We can’t get to that THING. If it doesn’t stop squirming around up there soon… I don’t know how long its going to take before I find some kind of blunt object to hammer the ceiling in with!

Well, despite that recent event, I’ve had a pretty good day. I started the quarter this Monday enrolled in only one 2-credit course. But, due to some diligent detective work, I filled up my schedule!

The classes I will be taking this quarter: The Space Age Solar System, Keywords: Concepts in Politics, and International Cyberpunk. I was going to take Introduction to Creative Writing, but it seemed smarter to get some more General Eds out of the way… I can take it next quarter. Ahh… all thanks to a very long day of crashing every single class I was interested in. No joke. I was in and out of lecture halls from 8:00 AM to 6:45 AM with only one hour block to eat. Seriously strenuous. And yet, I still come out on top! Anything is possible kids, even if you’ve procrastinated inordinately.

I finished watching Heroes Volume Three: Villains. A lot of characters died. Sylar is evil again. Obama is siding with Petrelli to hunt down all of the superpowereds. Hiro didn’t get his time-traveling powers back for some reason. Ando has a superpower-supercharching superpower that I didn’t expect… what, so even after getting powers he’s still a support character? Haha.

I have a lot of books to read for International Cyberpunk. A lot of books to read. That, with my Christmas books on top, means I’ll be reading a lot this quarter. Weekends are going to be fun.

My Mom is awesome.

Well, good night!

I watched three episodes of Heroes tonight after doing some work planning this semester. I really hope I get in the classes I want to. Next semester I’m going to choose my classes early.

I made a New Year’s Resolution about blogging, among other things, and it sounded very epic when I typed it in a cold sweat on a midnight freeway. So here’s what I wrote then. I haven’t been able to access this blog, however, because I was traveling and couldn’t access the blogsome network. That’s too bad. I’ll tell you about the Holidays tomorrow night. Here’s what I typed January 1st, 2009:

Its been a wild year. I like to spend New Year’s Day going over the successes of the Old, to put it into my past formally by looking over my best memories. I went to Senior Prom, aced my AP tests, then graduated from High School. I earned my place as an Eagle Scout by finishing up my Project and a lot of paperwork, and was glorified in a very special ceremony. I was accepted into the University of Santa Cruz. I jumped dune hills in the Imperial Sand Dunes more than once. Summer was filled with EFY, a Church trip to Utah for canyoneering and rappelling down 200-feet cathedral-esque drops, an awesome family reunion in Southern California, mountain camping, movies, competitive video gaming, the last RV trip to Ottawa Canada, seeing the Pioneer Trek in reverse. Summer filled my year, actually. We did a lot during those four months. In September I began my first semester of college at UC Santa Cruz and loved it. The holidays were very fun, with relatives once more. I always look forward to seeing my family.

And so, the last year before my two-year mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints ends. I will spend at least half of this year ahead of me preaching for the Lord in some far-flung locale. Thus, I have six months, six short, short months, to finish up my childhood. I don’t think there is any better dividing period between childhood and adulthood than your two-year mission. Sure, I’ve matured a lot, but you couldn’t call me a full adult, and that’s what my family and friends will see when I return from my mission working in the name of Jesus Christ.

There are things that I’ve learned about myself during my nearly nineteen years of living, and much less than that of consciously wondering and self-analysis. I want to be famous. And yet, what might seem like a goal with opposing interests, I am also very spiritual and cannot reject the Truth of my religious beliefs. Jesus Christ wouldn’t desire and seek out fame, and He is the perfect example for us all. So why does this urgent seeking of glory continue? I myself would like to see both of these desires fulfilled. Perhaps fame is the wrong word, maybe all I want is respect, and that seems like a worthwhile objective that coincides with my spiritual journey. But, (and I put this as humbly as I can), its not just respect. I want as many people as I can get to look up to me, to respect me as a leader, as a teacher, to recognize the worth of my character. There is a prideful glory that could be associated to that, that the Bible tells us to avoid. However, I cannot avoid that I want it in all my Randian ambition, down to my soul, as much as my soul yearns for Spiritual Truth that allows for complete existential knowledge and comfort.

That goal has been in the back of my mind since I began progressing to the mental maturity as an adult, around the age of twelve. I have regrets that I did not pursue it sooner, that I’m not leaving on my mission as a child prodigy. I always had excuses to be unproductive. Well, these last six months, I’m not going to make excuses. I will chronicle these last six months to maintain a record of who I was before my mission, a record of the boy that I believe the man will one day miss. Sure, there is always the hopeful joy of constant progression, but even now I look back to my short twelve-year old journal entries and wish there was more that that counterpart of me could communicate. How had I changed?

Even now I look upon what I have written and wonder what that guy three years in the future will think about it. This is for you man, but its also for everybody that might want to see the same thing. How will I prepare for this coming sacrifice, this two-year labor of faith? That is something interesting in itself, perhaps the greater interest. Nevertheless:

These will be the last six months of my childhood, and I wish to crown that era of my life with at least some semblance of naively-imagined regretless glory and accomplishment. I think I can do it. That is my resolution.